Fear, Fear & Fear

Lately I been feeling very lost. The feeling that I hate most is coming back to me. I keep telling myself to be careful and not to fall to deep but I can't. I'm just too emotion and emotion is the thing that hurts the most. All these while, I been controlling it rather well until 2 days ago.

That day, my Baby is sick and she went out with her friends until 3am. While on the way home, she called me and telling me how unwell she was. I was very worried and wanted to rush down immediately but it is raining. Since my accident, I been very scare to ride on raining days. However, I know I need to overcome it one day so I decided to ride down to my Baby's house to take care of her. By the time I reach her house, it is about 4am already and I am feeling very sleepy. I do not know if it is because I am tired or it is due to the stressful journey under the rain. Soon after I reach her house, we went to sleep. As morning came, I wake her up for work but as usual, we will lay on the bed hugging one another for awhile. As her bed is a super single size and she is laying in the center of the bed, I do not have much space. I said "Move in abit, I don't have space already. Going to fall down already" and guess what is her reply? "Someone double your size(she means her ex-bf) also like that sleep lor". That very moment, I feel as if a sharp arrow has pierced through my heart. It is so painful that I wanted to scold her but she is sick. :~( So I keep quiet and act as if I went back to sleep. However, the pain become unbearable that I started to tears. Before I know it, I started crying already. WTF. What got into me? I swear that I will never tears for girls anymore but what am I doing? She is the third girl that make me drop tears(1st is my mum then is my ex-wife).

To make things worst, I am tearing now again. Honestly, I start to doubt if I'm a man. Why do I tears so easily? I'm so scared that she might leave me. Now she is at her friend's birthday chalet and her ex-bf will be there too. I remember I ever ask her if one day her ex-bf ask her to go back to him, will she go back? She don't dare to answer me. Haizzz... What is my Baby doing now? :~( My river of tears can't stop flowing.